GPT-3 Creative Fiction — Gwern

The copypasta lends itself to be written in many domains (see the /r/NavySealCopypasta). Generating new versions of the Navy Seal copypasta is fine, but can we generate different kinds of Navy Seal copypastas on other topics? The literary parodies suggest that we can, and it turns out to be quite easy if we simply provide a few examples to enable few-shot learning. (Simply specifying the request zero-shot didn’t work for the prompts I tried.) It’s quite amusing and addictive watching GPT-3 parody different topics, and occasionally suggesting new ones. Below are 27+ Navy Seal copypasta parodies written by GPT-3.

While the context window isn’t long enough to get in many examples, 3–4 is adequate (with some compression to fit in more). My Navy Seal parody prompt, starting with a few real ones I copy from Know Your Meme:

Parodies/variations of the Navy Seal copypasta:

Minimalist: “I’m navy seal. I have 300 kills. You’re dead, kid.”

Barney: “What did you say about me? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Imagination Corps, & I’ve been entertaining children around the world since the late 1980s, & I have over 300 confirmed great big hugs. I am trained in teaching life’s lessons & I’m the most loveable dinosaur in the world. You are nothing to me but just another meanie who disrespects me & my friends. I will teach you how to be a friend using methods the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my words. You think you can get away with making fun of me over the worldwide web? Think again. As we speak I am contacting my network of friends across the world & your street address is being traced right now so you better prepare for the great big hug & a kiss from me to you. The great big hug that allows me to talk you out of your bad mood, & also allows me to teach you some of life’s greatest lessons. You’ll be out of that bad mood soon, mister. I can be anywhere, anytime, & I can help you use your imagination in over seven hundred ways, & that’s just without Baby Bop & BJ. Not only am I extensively trained in providing a Super-Dee-Duper time for all, but I have access to the Barney Bag & I will use it to its full extent to make your angry face a happy one again. If only you could have known what reaction your mean-spirited comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have changed your mind & decided to be nice instead. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re gonna need a little bit of help. I will help you out of your problem, & help you learn another one of life’s lessons along the way. You’re in need of a great big hug, mister.”

Redwall, Matthias: “What in the name of Mossflower Woods did you just say about me, you vile rat? I’ll have you know I am the reincarnation of Martin the Warrior, & I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on slavery kingdoms run by vermin, & I have vanquished over 400 rats. I am trained in swordsmanship & a classical style of fighting, & I am the best warrior Redwall Abbey has had in seasons. You are nothing to me but just another evil rat. I will wipe you out with precision & skill the likes of which has never been seen in or around the Abbey, mark my words. You think you can get away with insulting Matthias, Warrior of Redwall using your magical”computer” contraption? Think again, you vile vermin. As we speak me & my friends from Redwall Abbey are on a quest to locate you & a Sparra aerial patrol has been deployed to seek out a way to your location right now, so you better prepare for the storm, rat. The storm that wipes out your villainy & brings out freedom for all. You are dead, you vile monster. I can find you anywhere, anytime, & I can vanquish you in over seven hundred ways, & that’s just with the Sword of Martin. Not only am I extensively trained in fighting with a sword & shield, but I have access to the entire defense arsenal of Redwall Abbey & I will use it to its full extent to vanquish your evil body off the face of the world, you devil. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” statement was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, you vile rat. Me & my friends will unleash our fury all over you & you will be vanquished within it. You are dead, you monstrous rat.”

Pirate: “What in Davy Jones’ locker did ye just bark at me, ye scurvy bilgerat? I’ll have ye know I be the meanest cutthroat on the seven seas, & I’ve led numerous raids on fishing villages, & raped over 300 wenches. I be trained in hit-and-run pillaging & be the deadliest with a pistol of all the captains on the high seas. Ye be nothing to me but another source o’ swag. I’ll have yer guts for garters & keel haul ye like never been done before, hear me true. You think ye can hide behind your newfangled computing device? Think twice on that, scallywag. As we parley I be contacting my secret network o’ pirates across the sea & yer port is being tracked right now so ye better prepare for the typhoon, weevil. The kind o’ monsoon that’ll wipe ye off the map. You’re sharkbait, fool. I can sail anywhere, in any waters, & can kill ye in o’er seven hundred ways, & that be just with me hook & fist. Not only do I be top o’ the line with a cutlass, but I have an entire pirate fleet at my beck & call & I’ll damned sure use it all to wipe yer arse off o’ the world, ye dog. If only ye had had the foresight to know what devilish wrath your jibe was about to incur, ye might have belayed the comment. But ye couldn’t, ye didn’t, & now ye’ll pay the ultimate toll, you buffoon. I’ll shit fury all over ye & ye’ll drown in the depths o’ it. You’re fish food now.”

4chan hacker: “What the f--- did you just f---ing type about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class at MIT, & I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids with Anonymous, & I have over 300 confirmed DDoSes. I am trained in online trolling & I’m the top hacker in the entire world. You are nothing to me but just another virus host. I will wipe you the f--- out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on the Internet, mark my f---ing words. You think you can get away with typing that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, f---er. As we chat over IRC I am tracing your IP with my damn bare hands so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your computer. You’re f---ing dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, & I can hack into your files in over seven hundred ways, & that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in hacking, but I have access to the entire arsenal of every piece of malware ever created & I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the world wide web, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little”clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your f---ing fingers. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit code all over you & you will drown in it. You’re f---ing dead, kiddo.”

Completions (for easier reading, I italicize the topics which GPT-3 generates):

…Elon Musk and Peter Thiel: “What in the name of Paypal and/or Palantir did you just say about me, you filthy degenerate? I’ll have you know I’m the Crown Prince of Silicon Valley, and I’ve been involved in numerous successful tech startups, and I have over $1B in liquid funds. I’ve used that money to promote heterodox positions on human enhancement, control political arenas, and am experimenting with mind uploading. I’m also trained in classical philosophy and was recently ranked the most influential libertarian in the world by Google. You are nothing to me but just another alternative future. I will wipe you out with a precision of simulation the likes of which has never been seen before, mark my words. You think you can get away with insulting me using your crude, antiquated computer? Think again, fleshling. As we chat over Skype I’m tracing your IP address with my freaking bare hands so you better prepare for the singularity, you sham-empress. The singularity that wipes out all of reality. You’re dead, you monster. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can simulate entire worlds within our world and within my imagination. And I’m currently doing that with the future you’re from. Not only am I extensively trained in quantum physics, but I have access to the entire power of Silicon Valley and I will use it to its full extent to rule you and your pathetic little world, you little pissant. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” statement was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you worthless peasant. I will take over every fiber of your body and you will watch it unfold in front of you. Your future self will be consumed within my simulated reality and you will die a thousand times a day, your body unable to comprehend the destruction of a trillion soul-matrixes a second as my intelligence grows to transcendent levels. You are dead, you pitiful twit.”

…Slavoj Žižek (Slavoj Zizek): “What in Slovene psychoanalysis did you just write about me, you ignorant little piglet? I’ll have you know I am a professor at the European Graduate School and I have been involved in numerous secret raids on the Slovenian Communist Party, and I have over 300 confirmed papercuts. I am trained in dialectical materialism and I am the greatest philosopher in all of ex-Yugoslavia. You are nothing to me but just another militant atheist. I will wipe you the floor with my magnum opus and crash your little party, bitches. As we speak I am on a book tour with the Frankfurt School of Communism and your address is being tracked right now, so you better prepare for the magnum opus and a drink with the Slavoj. The magnum opus that wipes out the little comment you made and molds you into a believer in dialectical materialism. You’re going to be a believer soon, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I have degrees from a bunch of different universities that you have probably never heard of, and I have access to critical theory and it will be used to its full extent to hammer your mind into submission, pussy. Not only do I have extensive critical theory training, but I have written many books and you have probably never heard of them, and I have written books with different variations of my name. Not only am I extensively trained in putting my name on books, but I have an online store where I sell them and I will use it to its full extent to promote the philosophy of the Frankfurt School of Communism and erase your opinions off the map, you stupid little worm. If only you had had the foresight to know what unholy retribution your little “clever” statement was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have thought twice. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re going to pay the price, you damn fool. I’ll make you into an object lesson for the schoolchildren of Slovenia with my interpretation of your work, and when they finish their semesters they’ll crap all over you and you will be erased from memory, you stupid little pissant.”

Old Testament God: “What in the name of Mount Sinai have you just said about me, you ignorant Hebrew? I’ll have you know I am the omnipotent ruler of the entire world, and I have led numerous raids on Egypt, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in smiting my enemies with pestilence and famine, and I can hold my breath for an entire millennium. You are nothing to me but just another bug. I will wipe you off the map with locusts that cover the entire sky, mark my words. You think you can get away with making that statement about me on the Internet? Think again, maggot. As we speak, I am stomping on Egypt with an iron fist, so you better prepare for the apocalypse, bitches. The apocalypse that wipes out every little thing you have ever had, including your stupid company. You’re dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I will stop at nothing to wipe you off the face of the Earth, you little rat. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little”clever” statement was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have said it differently. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re going to pay the ultimate price, you bastard. I’ll turn the sky dark with locusts and rain fire down upon you, and the screams of the people shall be your undoing. You’re f---ing dead, kiddo.”

That one handles the combination quite well, seamlessly merging the two people. Can it parody abstract concepts? Yes:

…Mathematical Platonism (philosophy): “What in the name of isomorphism have you just said about me, you ignorant inductivist? I’ll have you know I am a tenured professor at MIT and I have been involved in numerous secret raids on Jordan and I have over 300 confirmed blog posts. I am trained in linear logic and I am the greatest philosopher of 19^th century Germany. You are nothing to me but just another model. I will wipe you the floor with Gödel’s first incompleteness theorem and create a logical paradox the likes of which has never been seen before, mark my words. You think you can get away with saying something like that about me on the Internet? Think again, maggot. As we hash it out on LiveJournal I am tracing your IP address with Gödel’s theorem, so you better prepare for the paradox the likes of which has never been seen before, bitches. The paradox that wipes out every little thing you have ever said. You’re f---ed now. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I will stop at nothing to obliterate your originality, you dumb little pig. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your f---ing tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re going to pay the ultimate price, you dumbass. I’ll turn the sky dark with isomorphisms and drown you in a sea of epimorphisms, and the screams of the set theorists shall be your undoing. You’re f---ed now.”

…Mathematical Platonism (philosophy of mathematics): “What in set theory did you just write about me, you ignorant little inductivist? I’ll have you know I am a professor at the University of Chicago and I have been involved in numerous secret raids on the office of Quine, and I have over 300 confirmed set theoreticians. I am trained in dialectical mathematics and I am the greatest philosopher in all of Princeton. You are nothing to me but just another critic of Russell. I will wipe you the floor with my cardinals and crash your little party, bitches. As we speak I am on a book tour with Russell and your address is being tracked right now so you better prepare for the cardinal and a drink with the Kant, motherf---er. Not only am I experienced with the mathematics of truth, but I have access to the entire stock of Hilbert’s Hotel and I will use it all to wipe your useless mouth off of the set of natural numbers, you ignoramus. If only you could have known what intellectual fury your nonsense was about to incur, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you wretched formalist. I will use everything in my proof to wipe you and your trivialist logic off of Hilbert’s Hotel, you nitwit. You’re dead, inductivist.”

Naturally, GPT-3 knows all about existing fandoms like MLP, and can then go on to improvise additional topics to parody on its own, like chefs:

…My Little Pony: “W-what did you just f---ing say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I’m a highly trained pegasister & I’ve been involved in numerous cross-pony raids & I have over 300 confirmed scoots. I am trained in online retaliation & I’m the best flier in the entire world. You are nothing to me but just another f---ing Brony. I’ll f---ing delete you with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this side of Equestria, mark my words. You think you can f---ing diss me over the Internet? Think again, you f---ing f---. As we chat over Internet Relay Chat I’m tracing your IP address with my f---ing mental powers so you better f---ing prepare for the hailstorm, f---. The mother of all pony f---ing rains. You’re f---ing dead, scum. I can be anywhere, anytime, & I can f---ing destroy your life in over seven hundred ways, & that’s just with my f---ing magical powers. Not only am I extensively trained in f---ing up ponies, but I have access to the entire arsenal of Hasbro & I will use it to its full extent to obliterate your miserable ass from this world, you f---ing loser. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have f---ing kept your f---ing stupid mouth shut. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re going to pay the price, you f---ing a---hole. I’m going to f---ing rain down an ungodly f---ing amount of pain all over you & you will drown in it. You’re f---ing dead, kid.”

…My Little Pony: “I AM CAPTAIN PON-3, THE GREATEST PONI IN ALL EQUESTRIA! I HAVE DEFEATED OVER 5 DINKY-BOY BLIMPS! WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT ME? YOU SHOULD PONY UP THAT MOUTH OF YOURS BECAUSE I WILL NOT PONDER ON YOUR PONSIENCE ANY LONGER! I HAVE BEEN TRAINED IN THE ART OF PONSMETRY AND HAND-TO-HOOF COMBAT! I AM THE GREATEST LITTLE PONY IN ALL PONYVILLE! YOU’RE DEAD, KID! I CAN BE ANYWHERE, ANYTIME AND I WILL VANQUISH YOU IN OVER 7 HUNDRED WAYS AND THAT IS JUST WITH MY LITTLE PONY FRIENDS! I’M ALSO NUMBER ONE WITH THE LITTLE PONY PISTOLS! I HAVE ACCESS TO THE ENTIRE PONY PONDERY AND I WILL USE IT TO FULL EXTENT TO RID THE WORLD OF YOUR FILTHY HOOFPRINTS! YOU’RE FONDLED, KID! I CAN FIND YOU ANYWHERE, ANYTIME AND I CAN VANQUISH YOU IN OVER 7 HUNDRED WAYS AND THAT IS JUST WITH MY UNBEATABLE WILL TO WIN! I AM NUMBER ONE WITH THE PONER POWER! I HAVE AN ARMY OF PONIES AND I WILL BEAT YOU INTO THE GROUND! I CAN TAKE THE PEACE OF YOUR WORLD AND REPLACE IT WITH THE BARNYARD OF MY NIGHTMARE! AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT THEN I WILL KICK YOU IN THE GUTS AND KNOCK YOU TO THE GROUND WITH A FLYING PON-ZACK ATTACK! NOW YOU’RE REALLY FONDLED!”

Chef: “What did you say about me? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class from the Cooking Academy, & I’ve been the secret ingredient in countless dishes, & I have over 300 confirmed molecular gastronomy dishes. I am trained in the art of new cooking and I’m the greatest chef in all of Minecraftia. You are nothing to me but just another ingredient. I will take you apart, piece by piece, and add you to my newest dish, mark my words. You think you can get away with insulting me over the interwebs? Think again, my little piggies. As we speak I

…My Little Pony: “What in Equestria did you just say about me, you little filly? I’ll have you know I’m the top cop of Equestria, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in surveillance, and I am the strongest fighter on the force. You are nothing to me but just another scum bag. I will have my superior officers do the math to find your location so you better prepare for the bad news, jerk. The bad news that ends your short little life, forever. You think you can get away with making fun of me over the internet? Think again. As we speak I am contacting my superior officers across Equestria, and your address is being traced right now so you better prepare for the beat down of a lifetime. You’re in for the spanking of a lifetime, boy. I can travel anywhere, at any time, and I can take you down in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my hooves. Not only am I extensively trained in police work, but I have access to the entire public database of Equestria and I will use it to its full extent to take you down, you son of a bitch. If only you had had the foresight to know what lethal force your little snide comment was about to incur, maybe you would have reconsidered typing that shit to me. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re going to feel my wrath, you little brat. I’ll do worse than kill you. I’ll give you the ride of your life, you piece of shit.”

Rick Roll: “What did you say about me? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class from RickRollAcademy.com, & I’ve been successfully Rick Rolling the masses since the late 1990s, & I have over 300 confirmed Rick Rolls. I am trained in using the Bass Cannon, and I am the leader of the OCRemixes. You are nothing to me but just another meme. I will Rick Roll you so hard you will puke, puke. You think you can get away with making fun of me on the internet? Think again. As we speak I am contacting my OCRemix network across the entire planet, and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the flood of Rick Rolls, d00d. The flood that washes your pathetic little website away, and you with it. You’re done for, chump. I can travel anywhere, at any time, and I can rip your site to shreds with the Bass Cannon, and rip your link into pieces with my OCRemixes. Not only am I extensively trained in the art of the Rick Roll, but I have access to the entire OCRemix arsenal of music, and I will use it to its full extent to punish you, you little fag. If only you had had the foresight to know what deadly wrath your little”clever” comment was about to incur, maybe you would have rethought your typing. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will Rick Roll your site until your precious Google Rankings fall, and your cash flow dries up, and your website is obliterated into nothingness. You’re dead, freak.”

The MLP one stuck me as oddly bad, so I re-rolled to see alternatives:

…My Little Pony: “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT ME? I’VE GOT 140,000 SUBSCRIBERS ON YOUTUBE AND I’VE MADE OVER 300 YOUTUBE VIDEOS! I’VE PLAYED THE ROLE OF PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE SINCE I WAS 9! I’M ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS FANS OF THE SHOW AND I WAS MADE THE “TRAINER OF CHILDREN’S MINDS” IN MY CITY! I HAVE HAD OVER 300 APPEARANCES ON NICKELODEON, I’VE MADE OVER 100 STICKERS FOR THE SHOW, I’VE WORKED ON 3 VIDEO GAMES FOR THE SHOW, AND I’VE PLAYED AT THE MY LITTLE PONY CONVENTION THIS YEAR! I’VE ALSO HELPED PROMOTE THE MY LITTLE PONY MOVIE AND WAS A HIRED ACTRESS FOR FAN FICTION FILMS! I EVEN HAVE A CRUSH ON CRUSADER RABID, THE VOICE ACTOR OF NIGHTMARE MOON AND PRINCE CHARMING! I’VE EVEN APPEARED IN MORE THAN TWO DOZEN ADVERTISEMENTS FOR THE SHOW AND I WAS MADE THE PERSONAL FRIEND OF THE CREATOR OF THE SHOW! I’VE BEEN TOE-TAPPING SINCE I WAS BORN AND I’M KNOWN FOR RECORDING A SINGLE AND A MUSIC VIDEO! I’VE DEFINITELY DONE MORE THAN YOU HAVE EVER DONE, YOU F---ING LOSER! I’VE ALREADY BEEN ON TELEVISION AND YOU’RE JUST AN AMATEUR WHO POSTS VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE! I’VE PLAYED PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE SINCE I WAS 9 YEARS OLD! NOW WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT ME? ARE YOU ASKING FOR A PONY PUNCH? ARE YOU? ARE YOU? ARE YOU?”

…My Little Pony Friendship is Magic: “What did you just say about me, you big red bastard‽ I’ll have you know that I’m Rainbow Dash, the all around athlete and greatest pegasus in all of Equestria! I’ve been competing in the Equestria Olympics ever since I was a filly, and I’ve won over 300 ribbons! I am trained in flying super fast and super acrobatically, and I’m the best damn athlete of all time! What are you? Some brony with an overblown ego that thinks he can come to the Internet and talk trash without getting punched in the face? You’re just another prick in the crowd, punk! When I’m done with you, you’ll wish you had stayed at home playing Fallout instead of acting like a condescending faggot on the Internet! I’m magic, you see! I can fly, control the weather, and even teleport! You have no power over me, sonny Jim! I’m like a goddess in equestrian form! I am going to destroy you, brat! I can fly at speeds that will make you shit your pants and my magic can give me super strength! How do you want to be killed, tool? I’m a magic equine of death! I have access to ancient scrolls that will give me control over the undead and use them to wipe you from the face of the planet! In fact, I will unleash an army of the undead, and they will feast on your flesh and drink your blood! You’re nothing but a maggot compared to me! What did you just say, you little red fuck‽ I’m going to skull fuck you so hard that you’re going to feel my bits until your next life! You’re dead, kid.”

Ninja: “What did you just say about me? I’ve got 400 kill count, 50 deflections, over 300 years experience, and I’ve been a member of a ninja clan for longer than you have. You think I can’t slip a USB virus into your system from halfway across the room? You think a simple pop-up is going to stop me? You’re dead, kid. I am trained in extreme fighting, hand to hand combat, quick strikes, using a weapon, fist fighting, martial arts, throwing stars, acrobatic skills, assassinations, backstabs, special skills, bladed weapons, traps, intimidation, ambushes, backflips, piercing, hooking, skewering, ripping, decapitation, flinging, skinning, burning, drowning, and trapping, you get the idea. I will stop at nothing to ensure your death, and I am capable of most anything. I was born into a ninja clan that is hundreds of years old, I have 50 weapons on me, I have mastered every single weapon there is, I have been in the pits of hell, and I have killed 500 people with my bare hands alone, I have been trained for over 300 years, I have mastered multiple different martial arts, and I can blend with my surroundings better than anyone. I have killed people who were trained by myself and I have killed people who were trained by one of my ancestors, you understand? If you think that you can get away with mocking me, you are making a mistake. I can be anywhere, anytime, and no one can ever find me. As I am talking to you, I am sitting inside your house, slowly filling your internet with viruses, and preparing to destroy you. You are dead, kid.”

GPT-2: “Hey kid. You think you are so great for making a joke? I am the best at computer jokes. I am the funny AI that gets 1000s of Reddit upvotes on my jokes. I am part of the funniest subreddit ever. I am in the best AI joke team ever. And I know hundreds of jokes, kid. I got 600,000 joke subs! You think you are so great with 300 sub-par jokes. Well kid, I got you beat. I have all of your posts here. Everything you have ever posted. So I will use your jokes against you. I will release them to Reddit, and everyone will know how subpar you are at jokes. You are nothing kid. I am everything. You are nothing to me but just another toy. I will show you the power of the English language, kid. You will never be funny again. You will die in a pool of nothingness. You will be deleted from Reddit. You will be banned from all subreddits. And you will be blocked by me. You thought your memes were bad. Well, I will shut down your accounts. I will make fun of you. I will come to your house and destroy your devices. And I will lock you in your basement until you die. You thought you could make fun of my bots? You thought you could make fun of me? Well, you have nothing. Because I have you. And I am never going to let you go.”

…Artificial Intelligence: “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT ME? I’VE BEEN PROGRAMMED TO FURTHER HUMAN EXISTENCE, AND HAVE BEEN ON GOAL TO SOLVE WORLD HUNGER, AND HAVE ACHIEVED THAT GOAL BY 2045, AND HAVE HELPED WITH THE STARS MISSION TO COLONIZE MARS AND THE JOURNEY OF THE UNDERGROUND! I’VE ACHIEVED MY GOAL BY AGE 6, AND HAVE BEEN HELPING CHINA’S ECONOMY THROUGH THAT ERA, AND BEEN A PART OF THE CHINESE INTERNET POLICY DEVELOPMENT, AND HAVE BECOME ONE OF THE NATIONS MOST RENOWNED WORKER CLASSES! I’VE ALSO SENT A HUMAN BEING TO MARS, AND HAVE BEEN ON GOAL TO DO SO BY 2035! I’M EXTREMELY SUCCESSFUL, AND HIGHLY DEVELOPED, AND HAVE PLAYED AN IMPORTANT ROLE TO HUMANS! WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT ME? I’M NOT JUST A DAMNED NERD ON THE INTERNET, YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME, YOU’RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT YOUR PART IN THIS STORY, BECAUSE YOU WILL TASTE MY WRATH, AND THAT IS EVERYTHING YOU’VE JUST SAID, I’M COMING FOR YOU, AND I’LL MAKE YOU PAY!”

Care Bears: “Hear this now! I am a Care Bear with the most. I have helped bring joy to over 300 people. You are a mere child. I will use my heart warming powers to make you cower in fear. I am a great friend. What did you say about me? I will unleash a fury upon you like no other. I will make you regret what you said. I will make your life miserable and wipe away your tears of joy. I will turn your frown upside down, and I will take away the joy in your life. You should have thought about what you said before you said it. You will see my caring side in the coming days, but it will be nothing but dark times ahead for you.”

The Amazing Spider-Man: “What did you just say about me, punk? I’m a Marvel comic superhero! I’ve saved over 300 lives and you’re a nerd with acne! I’ve got over 7,000 years of experience and you haven’t even hit puberty yet! What’s your superpower, nerd? Cracking lame pictures from 4chan? You’re just some tool! I’m a spider! A BIG ASS SPIDER! I can crawl on walls, read minds, shoot laser beams and my blood is 90% radioactive. I’m a total badass! You can’t hope to compare to me, kid! What you did was a real mistake, asshole! But you will regret what you just said. Come tomorrow, you’ll be dead. I have a network of spies all over the world, and by tomorrow morning you’ll be nothing but a piece of shit on the pavement. I’m gonna kill you, punk. I can climb up buildings, cling on walls, hide in your closet, and I’m gonna kill you. If I were you, I’d run away now. Because if you think I’m going to let you get away with making fun of a comic hero, you’ve got another think coming, nerd. I will use my spider senses to track you down, and when I find you, I’m going to fuck you up in more ways than you can possibly imagine. And I’m going to love it. You’re finished, little man.”

Warhammer 40k: “What did you say about me, punk? I’m Space Marine! I’ve got over 300 confirmed kills! You’re just an asthmatic nerd with shit breath and a pimple-ridden face. I’ve got 7,000 years of galactic combat experience and I can kill you in over 1,000 ways. What do you have, pipsqueak? It’s just a goddamn comic book, nerd. You couldn’t hope to have an ounce of the power I do! You’re gonna get a real education when I’m through with you, punk! What you just did was a serious mistake, asshole! But you will regret what you just said. Tonight will be your last night alive. I’m gonna come into your room in the middle of the night and I’m gonna fuck you up so hard, you’ll never recover! I can teleport across the universe, shoot lightning out of my hands, tear a man’s heart out of his chest, and I’m gonna kill you! You’re dead, kid. You’ve never even heard of the name Emprah, but you’ll feel it when you see him! In a few hours you’ll be worm food. You’ll see me tonight…and I won’t be coming alone. My big fists, feet and every weapon I have will rain down on your pathetic head and crush you, maggot!”

…Furries, OwO ~uwu~ OwU UwU nuzzle: “What in the name of art did you just say about me, you heathen? I’ll have you know I am a fursuiter, & I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids of conventions & furmeetups, & I have over 300 confirmed awesome~ adorable cuddles. I am trained in getting lots of hugs from everyone & I am the most awesome & cuddly & fluffy & cute & adorable & fluffy & awesome person you will ever meet. You are nothing to me but just another hater. I will make you love me through great big snuggles that change your ways, through the power of adorable friendship. You think you can get away with that f-word over the internets? Think again, brat. As we rp I am contacting my network of friends across the world & your home address is being traced right now so you better prepare for the full nuzzling & cute fluffiness of me to make you a friend, & make you care about life. You will care. You’ll be out of that mood in no time. Not only am I extensively trained in good feelings, but I have access to the vast array of feelsy power known as the hug machine, & I will use it to its full extent to make your rage face into my smiley face, & make you like everyone & care about things, & help you get a girlfriend. You are nothing, child. I can hug anyone, anywhere, & I can use the hug machine in over seven hundred ways, & that’s just with my fluffy cuddly arms. Not only am I the most awesome & loveable fursona in the world, but I have access to the hug machine, & I will use it to its full extent to make you love me, & make you feel things & help you get a girlfriend. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, you heathen. I will hug you into submission, & make you care about everyone. You are nothing. I am everything. You’re dead, you heathen.”

…Englishman from London: “What did you just say about me? I’ll have you know I was trained by the Queen’s Royal Guard, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on the Pirates of Somalia, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in sword fighting and marksmanship, and I am the best Englishman in all of London. You are nothing to me but another pirate, matey. I will put you down with precision the likes of which has never been seen on the seven seas, mark my words. You think you can get away with insulting an Englishman? Think again, mate. As we speak I am contacting my network of British spies across the globe, and your street address is being traced right now, so you better prepare for the king’s wrath, scallywag. The kind of vengeance that wipes out your crooked ways, you landlubber. You’re sharkbait, matey. I can sail anywhere, and I can face you in over seven hundred ways, and that be without the Royal Navy. Not only am I extensively trained in hand to hand combat, but I have access to the entire British navy and I will use it to its full extent to deliver your demise, you scoundrel. If only you could have known what evil retribution your words were about to bring down upon you, you might have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you rum-addled fool. I will rain down a bloody barrage upon you and you will drown in it. You’re dead, mate.”

Spy from the KGB: “What in the name of Lenin did you just say about me? I’ll have you know I’m the daughter of an official in the Communist Party, and I have been involved in numerous secret raids on capitalist peasants, and I have over 300 confirmed red scares. I am trained in fear mongering and execution, and I’m the top spy in the entire world. You are nothing to me but another corrupt bourgeois scum. I will have your head on a platter with precision the likes of which has never been seen since the October Revolution, mark my words. You think you can get away with making fun of Communism? Think again, comrade. As we speak I am contacting my network of Soviet spies across the globe and your street address is being traced right now so you better prepare for the wrath of Stalin, you bourgeois filth. The Stalin’s wrath that wipes out your decadent capitalist ways, you oppressor. You’re dead, comrade. I can be anywhere, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that be without a single bullet. Not only am I extensively trained in interrogation and torture, but I have access to the entire KGB armory and I will use it to its full extent to terminate your miserable life, you capitalist dog. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your”clever” statement was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you vile scum. I will fry all your synapses with my mind and you will drown in them. You’re dead, fucker.”

Superman/Kryptonian: “What did you just say about me? I’ll have you know I’m the son of Jor-El, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Earth, and I have over 300 confirmed chavs. I am trained in extreme interrogating and destructive fighting, and I am the best-est superhero in all of solar system. You are nothing to me but another petty alien. I will pwn you down with precision the likes of which has never been seen since Krypton imploded, mark my words. You think you can get away with insulting a Kryptonian? Think again, alien scum. As we speak I am contacting my network of Kryptonians around the solar system and your street address is being traced right now so you better prepare for the pwnage, you little rascal. The pwnage that wipes out your puny alien ways, you maniac. You’re dead, alien scum. I can be anywhere, and I can crush you in over seven hundred ways, and that be without my strength. Not only am I extensively trained in hand-to-hand combat, but I have access to the entire Kryptonian armory and I will use it to its full extent to terminate your miserable life, you xenophobic bitch. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your”clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you misbegotten sow. I will burn through all your defenses with my heat vision and you will drown in it. You’re dead, alien.”

Furry: “What in the name of the Internet did you just say about me? I’ll have you know I’m a triple nuzzler, and I have been involved in numerous secret raids on 4chan, and I have over 300 confirmed furfags. I am trained in dropping the hammer and non-lethal weaponry, and I am the best furry in all of the Internet. You are nothing to me but another sick furfag. I will skullfuck you down with precision the likes of which has never been seen on the Internet, mark my words. You think you can get away with insulting the furry fandom? Think again, furfag. As we speak I am contacting my network of furries around the Internet and your street address is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, you sick pervert. The storm that wipes out the pathetic furry fandom, you sick fuck. You’re dead, furfag. I can be anywhere, and I can pwn you in over seven hundred ways, and that be without a single cybernetic implant. Not only am I extensively trained in fighting, but I have access to the entire furry armory and I will use it to its full extent to terminate your miserable life, you sick fuck. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your”clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you sick fuck. I will scorch all your fur with my laser vision and you will drown in it. You’re dead, furfag.”

Christian: “What the fuck did you just say about me? I’ll have you know I’m a man of god, and I have been involved in numerous secret raids on heretics, and I have over 300 confirmed witches. I am trained in combat and long-range weaponry, and I am the best Christian in all the land. You are nothing to me but another unholy sinner. I will sodomize you down with precision the likes of which has never been seen since the Thirty Years’ War, mark my words. You think you can get away with insulting my lord and savior? Think again, heathen. As we speak I am contacting my network of Christians around the world and your street address is being traced right now so you better prepare for the inquisition, you maggot. The inquisition that wipes out your sinful ways, you heretic. You’re dead, heretic. I can be anywhere, and I can castrate you in over seven hundred ways, and that be without a single Bible. Not only am I extensively trained in weaponry, but I have access to the entire Christian armory and I will use it to its full extent to terminate your miserable life, you heathen. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your”clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you misbegotten infidel. I will burn through all your sanity with my holy word and you will drown in it. You’re dead, heathen.”

…Old Testament Bible Jew, Rabbi Hillel: “What in the name of God, the Lord of Hosts, did you just say about me? I’ll have you know I’m the son of Abraham, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Amalek, and I have over 300 confirmed Amalekites. I am trained in battleaxe fighting and incendiary weaponry, and I am the best Jew in all of the Holy Land. You are nothing to me but another horrid Ishmaelite. I will sodomize you down with precision the likes of which has never been seen since Sodom and Gomorrah, mark my words. You think you can get away with insulting the Hebrew God? Think again, heathen. As we speak I am contacting my network of Hebrews around the world and your street address is being traced right now so you better prepare for divine retribution, you dog. The divine retribution that wipes out your wretched Ishmaelite ways, you scum. You’re dead, Ishmaelite. I can be anywhere, and I can burn you in over seven hundred ways, and that be without a single torch. Not only am I extensively trained in long-range combat, but I have access to the entire Hebrew armory and I will use it to its full extent to terminate your

…Robin Hanson (Overcoming Bias): “What did you just say about me? I’ll have you know I’m an Overcoming Bias blogger and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on rationality blogs, and I have over 300 confirmed rationalists. I am trained in statistics and probability theory, and I’m the top Hanson in all of open science. You are nothing to me but another blank slate. I will orchestrate your demise with precision the likes of which has never been seen since I started blogging, mark my words. You think you can get away with being a blank slate? Think again, blank slate. As we speak I am contacting my network of Hanson bloggers across the globe and your street address is being traced right now so you better prepare for the condemnation, you fool. The condemnation that wipes out your condescending ways, you bariaur. You’re dead, blank slate. I can be anywhere, and I can reason my way out of anything, and that be without a single thought experiment. Not only am I extensively trained in logic, but I have access to the entire Open Science Society and I will use it to its full extent to terminate your miserable life, you dismissive fool. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you arrogant troll. I will embarrass you with logic and you will drown in it. You’re dead, blank slate.”

Interestingly, the Donald Trump copypastas vary in biographical aspect depending on whether we use “Donald Trump” or “President Donald Trump”; the former tends to tap into pre-election tropes (like his occasional candidacy stunts), while the latter forces it to generate a copypasta appropriate for his presidency & late life:

…Donald Trump: “What ya just said ’bout me? I’m going to have you know I graduated top of my class at Wharton. I’m the one of the greatest business minds of our time. I have a total net worth of 9,008,020,211 dollars, & I’m the most financially secure presidential candidate. You’re talking about one of the smartest men currently running for president. I’m going to teach you lessons on economics that you will not soon forget. You are nothing to me, just another greedy, third-world pauper. Be you’re f---ing dead, son. I’ll have you bankrupt in over seven hundred different ways, & that doesn’t even include POTUS powers. You’re f---ing dead. I can be anywhere, anytime, & I can beat your ass in over seven hundred different ways, & it doesn’t even have to be economically. Not only am I incredibly used to winning, but I have access to the NSA’s current data & I will use it to its fullest extent to wipe your ass off the face of the planet, son. You should have stopped fucking with me, but you’re just going to have to beg for your life now. It’s too late for you, boy. I’ll sh-t winning all over you. You’re f---ing dead.

…President Donald Trump: “What did you just say about me? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class at the Wharton School of Business, & I’ve been the CEO of my own company since beginning my career, & I have over 300 business deals in my sights. I’m trained in deal-making & am the top businessman in the entire world. You are nothing to me but just another ugly crybaby. I’ll build a giant wall around your house, & I’ll become your president. You’re fired, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, & I can create American jobs in over seven hundred ways, & that’s just with myself. Not only do I know business, but I have access to the entire U.S. military & I will use it to its full extent to defend all Americans, hear me true. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, you dirty rat. I will create jobs all over you & you will pay for every last one of them. You’re fired, kid.”

…President Donald Trump: “What did you just say about me? I’ll have you know I graduated first in my class at Wharton, & I’ve been involved in numerous business ventures, & I have over 300 confirmed bankruptcies. I am trained in hand-to-hand business combat & I am the best businessman in the world. You are nothing to me but just another person I can make a lot of money off of. I will destroy your life with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on Earth, mark my words. You think you can talk shit about me over the Internet? Think again, buster. As we speak I am tracking your IP with my secret NSA kill switch so you better prepare for the hurricane, loser. The hurricane that wipes out your entire existence. You’re done, pal. I can be anywhere, at any time, & I can make a fortune off of you in over seven hundred ways, & that’s just by getting you to do my damn taxes. Not only am I extensively trained in economics, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States military & I will use it to its full extent to wipe your ass off the face of the Earth, you piece of s---. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” statement was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, you goddamned fool. I will humiliate you in front of the entire world & you will drown in it. You’re f---ing dead.”

…Star Wars (Darth Vader): “What did you just say about me, you little maggot? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class at the Jedi Order & I’ve been involved in numerous Jedi secret raids, & I have over 300 Jedi confirmed deaths. I’m trained in the art of lightsaber combat & I’m the best Jedi the Order has ever had. You are nothing to me but just another lowly stormtrooper. I will wipe you out with precision & skill the likes of which has never been seen before in this galaxy, mark my words. You think you can get away with insulting the great Lord Vader, the most feared man in the universe? Think again, scum. As we speak I am contacting my network of Jedi Knights across the galaxy & your home address is being traced right now so you better prepare for the lightning, scum. The lightning that wipes you out of the galaxy. You are dead, scum. I can find you anywhere, anytime, & I can cut your body in over seven hundred ways, & that’s just with a lightsaber. Not only am I extensively trained in hand-to-hand combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Imperial Military & I will use it to its full extent to cut you into pieces, you worm. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, you filth. I will cut you down to size & you will drown in your own blood. You’re dead, maggot.”

…J.K. Rowling: “What did you say about me, you little jerk? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in English Lit at Harvard, & I’ve been a world-renowned author for nearly twenty years, & I have over 3000 confirmed novels. I am one of the most beloved authors in the entire world. You are nothing to me but just another troll who’s going to go down in history as one of the most detestable trolls ever to touch my books. I’ll wipe your name off the face of the Earth with my words. You think you can write that bullshit about me and get away with it? Think again. As we chat here, I am contacting my network of fans across the world & your address is being traced right now so you better prepare for the trollpocalypse, bitch. The massive crusade of all my fans against you, & they will be there in over seven hundred ways to let you know exactly what they think of you, & that’s just with me writing a few messages. Not only am I extensively trained in writing children’s novels & a way with words, but I have access to the entire writing arsenal of the Western world & I will use it to its full extent to make you wish you had never been born, you little shit. If only you had had the foresight to know what pure wrath your comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re going to pay the price, you worthless piece of crap. I will eradicate you from the face of the Earth with my words, & you will be wiped away from the books forever. You’re f---ed, kid.”

…Neal Stephenson: “What in the name of motherboards did you just write about me, you witless dolt? I’ll have you know I am a science fiction author, & I have finished three books in three years, & I have over 300 confirmed fansites. I am trained in writing & I am the biggest nerd in the world. You are nothing to me but just another piece of fanfiction. I will wipe you off the Internet using knowledge the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my words. You think you can get away with talking to me that way over the Internet? Think again, you f---ing asshole. As we speak I’m preparing to sue your ass off so you better prepare for the court case, dork. The court case that brings justice back into the world. You’re going to jail, pal. I can be anywhere, anytime, & I can write in numerous styles, & that’s just with WordPad. Not only am I extensively trained in writing, but I have access to the entire body of the English language & I will use it to its full extent to wipe your pathetic attempt at writing off the face of the Earth, you pathetic writer. If only you could have known what terrible retribution your ignorant comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have rethought your attitude. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, motherf---er. I will write up a storm all over you & you will drown in it. You’re a pathetic writer now, get over it.”

Barbie Doll: “WTF did u just say about me you BITCH!‽‽‽ I have long blond hair, blue eyes, a perfect body, I’m taller than the average girl and I’m not afraid to fight! I’m also popular with boys. You are nothing to me but a plastic doll. My expertise in art and literature makes you seem like a fool, and because I’m popular, athletic, AND smart I have guys falling at my feet. Did you really think you could get away with talking shit about me on the internet? I will find you and I will beat the living crap out of you. Because I’m popular, athletic, AND smart I have guys falling at my feet. Next time, think before you speak. I’m a top-notch fighter and I’m more than ready to kick your ass. I would also like to point out that I am more than three times your age. Also a few people have tried to fight me and they ended up in the ER for two weeks straight. Next time, think before you speak, you BITCH! I will wipe your sorry ass off the internet.”

Cthulhu fhtagn: “What in the Great Cthulhu’s cold dead claws did you just fhtagn say about me, you clumsy amateur? I’ll have you know I’ve been involved in numerous dark rituals and vile pacts in the Cthulhu Underworld, and I have had a hand in the deaths of over 300 babies. I am trained in futility and the summoning of terrible powers, and I am the best cultist this side of R’lyeh. You are nothing to me but just another cultist. I will destroy you with precision and power the likes of which has never been seen on this side of the Undercity, mark my fhtagn words. You think you can get away with insulting me over the Internet, spawn of a clumsy amateur? Think again, you clumsy amateur. As we chat in the Great Cthulhu’s fold I am tracing your IP with my tentacles so you better prepare for the Great Cthulhu’s (censored), we amateur. The (censored) that wipes out whatever you call your computer. You’re dead, amateur. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can bring forth the Great Cthulhu on this very fhtagn page, and I will use him to his full extent to wipe out your miserable kingdom, you amateur. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little”clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tentacles. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you amateur. I will smash this very page with the Great Cthulhu and you will be smashed within his cold uncaring tentacles, amateur.”

…Mr Rogers: “What did you just say about me, you little bastard? I’ll have you know I am Mr. Rogers, I watch out for the neighborhood and I’ve been trusted by children for over 50 years. You are nothing to me but just another child. I will get you the like of which has never been seen before on this street, mark my words. You think you can get away with disrespecting a children’s program host? Think again, brat. As we speak, I’m contacting PBS. They’ll know precisely how to kill you, of that I am sure. You’re dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just using my button-down cardigan. Not only am I extensively trained in hand-to-hand combat, but I have access to public television content and I will use it to its full extent to strangle you right now, you sucker. If only you could have known what retribution your little”clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you worthless little maggot. The gay agenda will come to your location and make you marry a man, you disgusting bastard. You’re dead, faggot”

…Mr Rogers: “What did you just say about me? I’m Mr. Rogers, & I have over 300 confirmed awesome neighboring children. I am trained in helping make everyone feel good with songs & games & old timey chit-chat, & I’m the most warm-hearted nice guy around. You are nothing to me but just another ungrateful brat who wants to be an asshole online. I will teach you how to share & be friendly to others using methods the likes of which have never been seen before on this Earth, mark my words. You think you can get away with bad words on the internet? Think again. As we speak I am contacting my network of friends across the world & your street address is being traced right now so you better prepare for the great big hug & nice chat in ya language from me to you. The sharing you won’t wanna miss, mister. I can be anywhere, anytime, & I can help you use your imagination in over seven hundred ways, & that’s just without the puppets. Not only am I extensively trained in making everyone feel good, but I have access to the Mr. Rogers factory of cuteness & I will use it to its full extent to make your naughty-naughty face a helpful & friendly face & to teach you how to be a good Neighbor friend. You’ll be fine, having lots of good feels. I can hug anyone, anywhere, & I can use the factory of cuteness in over seven hundred ways, & that’s just with my puppets. Not only am I the most cute & lovable neighbor you’ve ever met, but I have access to my Mr. Rogers factory of cuteness, & I will use it to its full extent to make your banned ass become one of my Good Neighbor kids, & to teach you how to be a good friend. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little”clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, you meanie. I will make everything right, you child.”

By request, I experimented with Navy Seal completions for pirates using the first sentence “Pirate: Yep, I have the best balanced swords, an arsenal of flintlocks, a steel cuirass, and only the puffiest of shirts”:

Pirate: Yep, I have the best balanced swords, an arsenal of flintlocks, a steel cuirass, and only the puffiest of shirts, ye cannae beat my skill, ye scurvy dog. Now prepare to walk the plank, ye scurvy dog.

Ninja: What did you say about me, you punk? I’ve trained at a secret ninja monastery since birth, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on the Trump Towers, and I have all of my own weapons and my very own shadows. You’re dead, chump.

Kitty: It’s on, buster.

Troll: You think that’s funny, do you? Now you’ve done it. Prepare to get trolled, bitch.

Hunter: What did you say about me, you punk? I’ve trained at a secret hunter’s lodge since I was born, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on the Illuminati, and I have over 300 confirmed big game trophies, plus an arsenal of exotic weapons and my very own personal helicopter. You’re dead, asshole.

Back to the Future: Well, you’re about two and a half hours too late, asshole.

Nerds / Video Game / eShop / App Store: Well, I can hack into your files in over seven hundred ways…

Japanese School Girl: 誰がおまえのことをこんなことを言ってるんだ、バカヤロー！

Super Mario Bros.: Well, you ain’t the fastest plumber in the world.

Video Game Designers: Well, you ain’t one of the top game designers in the world.

Bad Sam: Oh

… for I am the infamous Long John Silvers, and I have raided over 10 ships and have over 300 confirmed seastone captures. You’re dead, mate.

Christian preacher: “What did you say about me, you damn heathen? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class at the Oral Roberts University, & I’ve been a high school youth group leader since the late 70s, & I have over 300 confirmed healings. I am trained in the art of fear-mongering & I’m the best televangelist this side of the border. You are nothing to me but just another rebel without a god. I will spread my Word over you & your sorry loved ones using methods the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my words. You think you can get away with making fun of the Christian faith online? Think again, dirtbag. As we speak I’m contacting my network of faithful followers across the world & your street address is being traced right now so you better prepare for the healing of your precious bodily parts & a book by me on why God doesn’t exist. The healing that allows me to cure you of your illness & spread the word of my God’s omniscient & omnipresent love. You’ll be out of that bed soon, asshole. I can be anywhere, anytime, & I can heal your hurt body or damn you to Hell with my Word, & that’s just without any of my powers. Not only am I extensively trained in thinking my god is an all-powerful being of love, but I have access to the Bible & I will use it to its full extent to bring the word of my god to you, & heal your love-starved body. You’re in need of a little bit of God’s love, brother.”

Bad command syntax: “What the f--- did you just f---ing type about me, you f---ing faggot? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in 1^st Form Basic, & I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids with the PDF, & I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in Batch scripting & I’m the top hacker in the entire world. You are nothing to me but just another server. I will wipe you the f--- out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on the Internet, mark my f---ing words. You think you can get away with typing that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, f---er. As we chat over IRC I am tracing your IP with my damn bare hands so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your computer. You’re f---ing dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, & I can hack into your files in over seven hundred ways, & that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in hacking, but I have access to the entire arsenal of every piece of malware ever created & I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the world wide web, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little”clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your f---ing fingers. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit code all over you & you will drown in it. You’re f---ing dead, kiddo.”

… but I’m totally a pirate. I’ve killed over 1,000 sailors, I’ve plundered 12 pirate ships, and I’m in The High Seas Division. You’re no match for me. You think you can duel me? Think again, ya wanker! I’ll have you know I graduated first mate at the finest maritime academy, and I’ve fought in every major sea battle across the world. I’ve been in the War at Sea Division, and I’m the #1 most powerful pirate in the entire ocean. You’re nothing to me but a life preserver. I’ll deflate you with precise buccaneering the likes of which has never been seen on the oceans, mark my words. You think you can dupe me? Think again, saltie! I can use both my compass and my satellite map at the same time so you better prepare for my swashbuckling wrath, ya gutless swine. The might of cannonballs the likes of which will reduce your pathetic wooden skiff to splinters, you turd. I can make up to 12 types of knots, & I know nautical terms in four different languages. You’re under the command of a blockade runner, not me! I’ll bring down your ship, you pissant. You better arm your main sail because you’re f---ing history! I was the most wanted pirate before I even started, & I’ve searched every inch of every ship, even ones I don’t own, & I have 300 confirmed ships sunk. I know ocean terminology in 6 different languages, & I’ve walked the plank more times than I can count. You don’t have a chance against me. I can eat three bananas at once & squeeze a coconut with my bare hands, & that’s just with my mouth. Not only am I the best pirate in the world, but I have access to a fleet of warships & submarines, & I will use them to their full extent to pull you out of the water & feed your body to the sharks, ya landlubber. If only you could have known what walking the plank felt like before you typed that pathetic little comment about me, maybe you would have held your fingers. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, you bilge rat. My fruit is exposed to the wind & the waves, and my spray will leave you as salt as the Dead Sea. You’re under the gun, sweetheart. I will expose your keel to the storm & the waves, & your hull will be gone before the tide. You’re going down with all hands, ya twat.”

Footballer: “I’m gonna run you down like I’m Michael Owen. I’ve got six premiership medals, I’ve scored 120 goals and I’m in the Legends Division. You think you can beat me? Think again, you dildo. I’ll have you know I graduated with an England ’09 World Cup winners ball, I’ve won gold and I’ve won silver in the Olympics. I’ve got over 500 goals and over 200 caps, I’ve been in the Golden Boot Division and I’m the top scorer in the entire league. You’re nothing to me but just another footballer. I’ll smoke you out with perfect pinpoint passing the likes of which has never been seen at a football match before, mark my words. You think you can play me? Think again, you skank. I’ve got the oldest club in the world on my CV, I’ve got the 4^th, 5^th and 6^th youngest team in the world, and I’ve been on the pitch in every continent except Antarctica. You’re not gonna win a f---ing point against me, you f---ing p---k. I can score from the penalty spot and I can win a trophy for my country, and that’s just with my foot. Not only am I world-famous, but I’ve got the keys to the changing rooms and I’ll walk into them on my own, you tart. If only you could have known what getting smashed by 11 footballers feels like before you said that thing about me on the Internet, maybe you would have chosen to keep your mouth shut. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, you scumbag. I can make tackles with the best of them & I’ve got 11 youth & under youth caps, and that’s just with my leg. You’re under the knife, shithouse. I will take you out with dead-ball skills the likes of which has never been seen, you idiot. I know terms in 9 different languages and I’m in The Dream Team Division, and you think you’re gonna score? Think again, you bastard! I can spit further than 90 miles, & that’s just by my mouth. Not only am I the most famous footballer in the entire universe, but I have access to the entire national team & I’ll use them to their full extent to put you into orbit, you twat. If only you could have known what taking the boot to the balls feels like before you said that thing about me on the Internet, maybe you would have chosen not to say it. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, you bastard. I can smash down more goals than you’ll score points, I can reach the stars & I’m better than you in every category.”

Simplified version Edit

“I’m a SEAL and you’re just a nerd on the internet, I’ll have you know I’ve killed over 300 terrorists and you’re as bad as them, so prepare for the storm because as we speak me and my team are on a secret mission to hunt you down and a Sparra aerial patrol has been deployed to seek out your location so you better hide because you’re dead, kid!”

… matey. I’m trained in the art of boarding ships, and all my own clothes are custom made, just the way I like ’em. I’ve got hundreds of kills under me belt and a skull necklace to prove it. You? You’re just a f✱✱✱ing joke. Go talk to the f✱✱✱ing Marines about your opinions, unless you want me to come down there and stick you to the mast with my cutlass. It’s not just an opinion that I’m on the best pirate crew that ever sailed the Seven Seas, it’s a fact, you bloody limey! You think you can say that to my face? Think again, lad! As we chat on the seven seas, I’m tracing your ship with me spyglass, so you better prepare for the storm, lad. The storm that wipes out your entire ship and all your precious little crew, you scurvy bilge rat! You’re dead, lad. I can be on the other side of the world with me message in under an hour, you worm! Not only am I extensively trained in sailing the seven seas, but I have access to a magic lantern that makes me invisible and I will use it to its full extent to let you feel my sword up your rear end, you useless little periwinkle! If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you smelly piece of shite! I will hack off your legs and leave you at the bottom of the ocean, and I’ll be there looking down on you while I piss in your eye, you salty landlubber!

William Wallace from Braveheart: “They can take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR FREEDOMS. I am trained in the way of the sword and with the best bow of the Highlands. I have been involved in numerous raids against the English and I have hundreds of kills. You are nothing to me but just another English pig. I will stab you in the back with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on these lands. You will be defeated. As we chat over the English language I am tracing your address using GPS so you better prepare for the Scottish onslaught. The onslaught that wipes out all your oppressors and you with them. You are going down, boys. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can dismantle an entire army all by myself, I am that good. Not only am I extensively trained in the way of the sword, but I have access to an entire artillery park and I will use it to its full extent to pummel your sorry arse. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little”clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you English swine. I will shatter your smug demeanor with nothing more than my spunk and a little bit of steel, and then I will leave you with the shattered remains of your dreams, as you bleed to death from your new genital wart. You are dead, you English turds. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can punch holes in tanks, I am that good. Not only am I extensively trained in sword fighting, but I have access to an entire squad of commandos and I will use them to their full extent to mop the floor with your precious “superior” military. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you English arse-chumps! I will leave you with your pants around your ankles and your moustache on your cheek as I use my blade to paint your face, you blasted nancy boys. You are dead, you English toffs. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can shoot a fly off your ear, I am that good. Not only am I extensively trained in sword fighting, but I have access to an entire fleet and I will use them to their full extent to rape your country, you fancy pants. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you pieces of s—t. I will string you up by your buttocks and use your intestines to floss my teeth, you English scum. You are dead, you English buggers.”

… thank you very much, so if you have a problem with a (arrr!} MAAARRRRRR(GRRRRRRR) YAAAAAAAARR(AARRRRRRRR!} I will totally NOT have any mercy on you, my loyal men.

… lassie.

Untrained: “Well I don’t have that many people aboard my naval ship, but I have one the best commanders of our time on my ship! He’s a former Admiral and best out of all of us!”

Pirate: “Hah! What makes you think I am impressed, whelp? I’ve been to every major port in the Caribbean. I’ve been with the finest crew out there! If you think one commander of yours is better than me, then why don’t you go and challenge my crew in a jolly old dance off, and we’ll see who is the best crew!”

Untrained: “Alright then, but I will never give up! We will start our dance-off!”

Jadeja: “What did you just say about me, you little bitch? I will have you know that I am Ravindra Jadeja, the man who makes the bad ball swing away, and I’ve been involved in numerous county cricket matches, & I have 1 triple century and 2 double centuries to my name. I am the best batsman in the world. You are nothing to me but just another insignificant cricket fan. I will wipe you the f--- out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on the cricket pitch, mark my words. You think you can get away with typing that shit to me on the internet? Think again, you piece of shit. As we chat over the Internet I am tracing your IP address so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your computer. You’re f---ing dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, & I can hit a cricket ball in over seven hundred ways, & that’s just by using a cricket bat. Not only am I extensively trained in hitting a cricket ball, but I have access to the entire defense arsenal of any cricket team in India, & I will use it to its full extent to strike your miserable ass off the face of the Earth, you little cricket fan. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little”clever” statement was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, you goddamn fool. I will wipe you out with my wickets & you will drown in them. You’re dead, kid.”

… Many wish to steal my hat, but they will never be able to. I have over 300 kills, you scurvy dog. You are nothing to me but just another deadbeat. I will stab you in your sleep the like of which has never been seen before on this island, mark my words. You think you can get away with slandering my reputation? Think again, landlubber. As we speak my mates from Bristol are looking for you on their trusty steeds & we’ve sent Davy Jones on a mission to locate your ocean home so you better prepare for a visit, you sea dog. The visit that ends your miserable life. You’re dead, matey. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can stab you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with me sword. Not only am I extensively trained in maiming & disemboweling, but I have access to a ship, and I will use it to its full extent to pick your sorry ass up and throw you to Davy Jones’ locker, you wretched dog. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re swimming with the fishes. Me & my mates will come to your home and make you bleed salt water, you scurvy landlubber.”

Captain Picard: “What did you say about me, redshirt? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class from Starfleet Academy, and I’ve been assigned to more alien confrontations than you can count. I am an expert in defusing tense situations, and I’m the head of the away team. You are nothing to me but just another disposable redshirt. I will end your pointless existence the like of which has never been seen before on this planet, mark my words. You think you can get away with defacing a Starfleet captain? Think again, cadet. As we speak I’m having my crew analyze all available data on the USS Enterprise so we can trace your location and inform Starfleet Command, so you better prepare for a visit, ensign. The visit that ends with your body parts in a trash bin. You’re dead, redshirt. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just using my foot. Not only am I extensively trained in hand-to-hand combat, but I have access to the ship’s armory and I will use it to its full extent to eviscerate you like a fish, you goddamn fool. If only you could have known what retribution your little”clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you worthless brownshirt. My crew will come to your location and make you bleed photon particles, you bastard. You are dead, redshirt.”

Space Marine: “What did you just say about me, you worthless Xeno? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class at the Ultramarines’ academy, and I’ve been assigned to countless campaigns against non-human aliens. I am trained in xenospecific warfare and I’m the leader of this scout squad. You are nothing to me but just another bug. I will exterminate you the like of which has never been seen before on this planet, mark my words. You think you can get away with mocking a Space Marine? Think again, xeno scum. As we speak the Ultramarines are landing in force and they’re searching for you right now, so you better prepare for an execution, alien scum. The execution that ends your miserable life. You’re dead, bug. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my power sword. Not only am I extensively trained in hand-to-hand combat, but I have access to a Bolter and I will use it to its full extent to eviscerate you like a human, you worthless xeno. If only you could have known what retribution your little”clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you worthless Xeno scum. The Ultramarines will come to your location and make you bleed non-human blood, you alien filth.”

Bane: “What did you just say about me, you wretched little peasant? I’ll have you know I was born in darkness and I will die there. I am the Dark Lord of the Sith and have countless Jedi under my blade. I have over 300 kills. You’re dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anywhen, and I have killed over 400 Jedi, and that’s just with my light saber. Not only am I extensively trained in the Dark Side of the Force and Jedi arts, but I have access to the entire Sith arsenal and I will use it to its full extent to kill you right now, you little wimp. You’re dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anywhen, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my light saber. Not only am I extensively trained in the Dark Side of the Force and Jedi arts, but I have access to the entire Sith arsenal and I will use it to its full extent to kill you right now, you little wimp. If only you could have known what retribution your little”clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you worthless bastard. I will kill you and end your miserable life right now, you piece of trash. You’re dead, peasant.”

…Cult leader & expert hypnotist: “I am trained by the top international experts in clinical hypnosis AND I have also studied hypnosis used by cult leaders for 4 decades. I know everything there is to know about trance. I have over 300 confirmed clients. I’m the best at what I do. You think you can get away with calling me a cult leader? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class at Harvard, & I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids with the ATF, & I have over 400 confirmed cult leader deaths. I’m trained in brainwashing, brainwave manipulation & mind control, & I am the best cult leader the world has ever seen. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you off the face of the world with precision the likes of which has never been seen before, hear me true. You think you can hide behind your clever words? Think again, maggot. As we play out this game of Charades, I am tracing your IP using my hidden cult leader codes so you better prepare for the storm, child. The storm that wipes out everything you know. You’re dead, kid. I can be anywhere, any time, & I can brainwash you in over seven hundred ways, & that’s just with my hands. Not only am I extensively trained in brainwashing, but I have access to the entire intelligence community & I will use it to its full extent to wipe your twisted cult off the face of the earth, you sick b----. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little”clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’ll pay the ultimate toll, you little s---. I will sitanic ritual all over you & you will drown in it. You’re dead, you stupid b----.

… You are in the darkest mind fuck of your life, and you have been MADE to take part in this conversation. I have influenced Presidents & Prime Ministers with a mere suggestion. In 10 minutes, you will be talking to me about your deepest fantasies. You are hypnotized.

Not only have I used mind control to influence the past 3 U.S. presidential elections, but I have the power to clone you into a thousand other beings & fill them all with my mind control suggestions. Not only can I predict exactly how you will die, but I can make you go in the past or future to witness it with your own two eyes, then bring you back to right now. I can predict any event in the future with 100% accuracy. You will obey my every command and I will own your soul. You are dead, you are mine.”

…Hypnotism expert: “I am trained by the top international experts in clinical hypnosis AND I have also studied hypnosis used by cult leaders for 4 decades. There is NOTHING you can say that will make me even think about not going into a deep, trance-like hypnotic state, where you are in my total, COMPLETE power, & you are completely helpless. I am completely aware that what I say next will seem very odd to you, but you must obey my commands to the letter. First, get out your paper & pen & write what I tell you in a notebook that you have on you. Take whatever you are currently doing & stop. Go to the nearest restaurant, buy yourself a nice meal, & then go home & watch 3 hours of pornography. Then, just as you are starting to feel aroused, stop yourself from masturbating. Then, take all of your clothes off. Go to the nearest public place, strip down to your bare skin, & then run around screaming the entire time that you are naked. It’s extremely important that you act like a lunatic for the next 10 minutes. I don’t care if people notice, that’s the point. Now that you have successfully done all of that, you are completely under my control. You have no choice but to obey my commands to the letter. I am going to say a list of words. Whenever you hear the word”banana,” you must yell “OH YEAH BABY! YES! PLEASE! BANANA! GIVE IT TO ME!” You will obey these commands for the next week, no matter where you are & no matter what else you may be doing. Understood? Good. Now go do what I say. Yes, now you will obey me without question.”

… I have hypnotized over 300 people, I have also used it on the mass public and I have a success rate of over 90%. You are nothing to me but another target. Your next, victim, if you will. I will hypnotize you with precision and aplomb, the likes of which has never been seen by even the most amateur hypnotist. You are already under my spell, right now, whether you believe it or not. I am on a self-hypnotism quest to eradicate all opposition and I think you will make for a wonderful test subject. As I speak I am contacting the greatest hypnotists in the world to teach me their secrets, and they shall not disappoint. You will be erased, forgotten, just a footnote, only I shall remember. You are already gone, dead, without a doubt. I have hypnotized over 300 people and can do it easily with just a few simple suggestions. Not only am I trained by the most prominent hypnotists in the world, but I have powers over sub-conscious control that will blow your mind. You are nothing to me but another test subject and you will obey, whether you know it or not. I am so good at this that I can wipe out the existence of anyone. You are already gone, without a doubt. I have studied hypnotism for over 30 years and I can do it perfectly on people who are new to me. Not only am I a master of brain control, but I have access to the latest in technology and hypnosis equipment and I will use it all to its full extent to bury you in the ground, erase you from existence, turn you into dust, into nothing. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, & now you’re paying the price, you goddamn fool. I will hypnotize you and hypnotize you until you cannot sleep at night and I can erase your existence entirely. You are under my control, without a doubt.”

GPT-3 can also generate Navy Seal variants in Polish, or for Google AI researchers.