Epigrams

Me [when yoga instructor demonstrates the bhujapidasana asana]:

“Weird flex but OK.”

A riddle:

“What activity is this?”

• “You can do this activity at the beginning or end of a horse race but not the middle.

• This activity is acceptable to do in public but unacceptable in your bedroom.

• It is illegal to have sex with an animal before this activity, but legal afterwards.

• Some feel ethically required to do it, while others feel required not to.

• It is ethical to do it to an animal, but not to your grandparents.

• It’s acceptable to do it for yourself or family, but not strangers; however, it’s acceptable for strangers to do it for strangers/you….

• You can legally do it reliably and painlessly for animals, but only legally do it unreliably and extremely painfully for humans.”

Band names inspired by colds:

“Angels & Aspirations”; “The Breath Boys”; “Gesündheit”; “Infectious Clown Posse”; “Jaw Division”/“Joy Omission”; “Mucus Machine”; “The Nasal Dilaters”; “Phlegm Phighters”; “Snotson and the Boogers”; “Trigeminal Treachery”; “Tylenol Tears”; “WBC48”; “Flugees”; “Rage Against The Mucus”; “Lemontonix”; “Croakwerk”; “God Bless You Sick Emperor”; “This Is Dimetapp”; “And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of DM”; “Explosions in the Sinus”; “Roxy Mucus”; “Sneezy Top”; “Amy Benadryl”; “Hachoo-ne Miku”; “Megurine Puka”; “Sniffles of a Down”; “Linkin’ Puke”; “Lil Oozy”; “Germs & Blows”; “Halls-y”; “Miley Sinus”; “Justin Sneezer”; “Johnny Cough”; “Milky Chunks”; “Plan Slime From Outer Space”; “Coldpray”; “The Long Dark Peetime of the Soul”; “Puke Floyd”; “Honkie and the Blowsniff”

Things which sound like war crimes but aren’t: “carcinisation”; “Burma-Shave”; “English breakfast”; “marsupialization”

Shower thought: That all cats love to sit in cardboard boxes & even fall for square optical illusions suggests an innate evolved preference, implying that in their historical range—though they would not fossilize—there are cryptid wild species of the now-domesticated Amazon boxes.

Q. What happens to old computational complexity theorists who run out of usable bits?

A. They Requiescat In PSPACE.

Heard terrible joke:

Q. “What’s a negative utilitarian’s SI unit for measuring brains?”
A. “hertz”

(It is terrible because life is terrible.)

Q. what do you call a horse who doesn’t believe in humans?

A. naythiest

Q. What is the Norse god Odin’s favorite cooking spice?

A. Allspice.

Q. What was the trans programmer’s favorite cat coat color?

Senryū:

The summer garbage—
the sole remnant of many
bright engineers’ dreams

Raccoon boldly strides
through the bright summershine.
(Maybe it’s rabies.)

Mosquito buzzing
this late in the winter
—still not a mother…

When I was younger, I was confused by occasional references to fugue states. Eventually I looked it up properly, and learned that:

• When you get lost in Bach’s Musical Offering, that’s a “fugue state”.

• When you are entranced by the delicate flavor of pufferfish, that’s a “fugu state”.

• When you’re obsessed with French cuisine, that’s a “fondue state”.

• When you’re feeling hip, that’s a “FUBU state”.

• When you’re fantasizing about murdering someone, that’s a “FU state”.

• When you’re addicted to tourist money, that’s a “Fiji state”.

The existence of “Comic Sans” troublingly implies a “Tragic Sans”, while the existence of young female “toddlers” implies the existence of young male “toddlims”.

The existence of “whip-poor-wills” implies the existence of the more lucrative sex worker niche “whip-rich-wills”; further: the existence of “nuclear subs” implies “nuclear doms”, “shadow DOMs” imply “Jungian submissives”, and “capybara” imply “capyuri”.

The existence of “parakeets” implies infantry keets, “meth labs” “meth poodles” & “meth retrievers”, “Petty officers” “Tom officers”, “red fire ants” “blue fire ants”, “Pepsi Max” “Pepsi Min”, “domestic partners” “feral partners”, “Château d’If” the even more inescapable prison “Château d’Iff”.

Preparing for dinner: mincing meat.

Some population ethicists argue that, because existing is a good, we are morally obligated to breed small brachycephalic dogs who suffer & have shorter life expectancy instead of healthy dogs, as turnover ensures more total dog existences; this is called the “Repugnant Conclusion”.

There is a concerning tendency in Western Christmas cuisine to replace the traditional English fruitcake with other breads—often more heavily sugared—but still call it “fruitcake”. This is stollen valor.

A “gaff” is an embarrassing mistake or blunder, such as misspelling a common word.

The study of what is really going on in Neal Stephenson’s interconnected novels is known as ‘Root cause analysis’.

First they came for the Bayesians.

After that, things were fine (p > 0.05).

Then, things were fine (p > 0.05).

Then, things were fine (p > 0.05).

Then things were not fine (p < 0.05), but we don’t know how not fine they were (β 95% CI: 0.51–0.99).

Then we stopped publishing results about non-fine things, and our final meta-analytic result concluded:

things are fine (p > 0.05).

WotC has announced its latest D&D revision to appeal to streaming generations. Please update all character sheets stats & repurchase all your content, as follows:

The Master discoursed on the Dharma-truth:

“The Buddha-nature is seen in all things: the Great Buddha of Kyoto, a stray dog, even a dried shit-stick!”

A novice asked: “Can it be seen in a storm sewer?”

The Master replied: “Even inside the storm sewers of Tokyo!”

The novice again asked: “Can it be seen in fossil fuels?”

“E’en inside the empty gas tank of a liquefied natural gas ship!”

He persisted: “Can it even be seen in the optimal packing of squares inside squares?”

The Master shifted. “Today’s lecture is over.”

The most forbidden sweet/savory 2×2:

Ertly Lust:

“Your committal and hinged presentation left me whelmed—choate, corrigible, almost too scrutable”, she gruntled at me: “Effable, yet maculate.”

Couthly and gainly, she sipidly seduced me with her next-door pareil. Resigned, she cleaved into my feckful arms under sanctioned oversight.

We tabled our delible doubts as the air grew inflammable. Illusioned and plussed, I was glad to look kempt (eviting her surmountable scorn).

Despite feeling fatigable, we began raveling our entwined desires, and eptly, even wieldly—I bolted her fast.

In computer networking, if you do it right, a little bit goes a long way.

See “Human Cannibalism Alignment Chart”.

Her [🥺]: “wd u still love me if i was reborn as a 🪱”

Claim: “Masseuse has Charms to soothe a savage Beast.” Factcheck:

Verdict: We rate this claim 0⁄4 Pinocchios.

DSM-5 criteria for “addiction”:

Men: that’s not your old friend heroin. That’s your girlfriend. (cf. “Is The NIH A Cult?”)

After Jonas & Kording2016 & ConCon:

some AI creative-writing drills:

tired of girls asking for a “dominant” man. what about the Sniveling Cowards?? we need love too. looking for a gf who will let me hide under the bed when the pizza guy comes